Are you a FOOL?

Are you a fool? Do you vent all your feelings?  Do you let it all out like a gallon of sour milk being poured down the drain way past its due date?  Do you talk and talk carelessly sharing your problems?  Do you talk more about your problems than the things that are going right in your life?  Do you share more than you should and with all the wrong people?   Do you go on and on about the “problem” or the “issue” without any other reason than to hear yourself talk?  Do you crave the attention you receive when you talk about issues?  Do you dwell on drama or feed off it?  These are all relevant questions we all need to ask ourselves to get to an answer.  If I were to break it down question by question and answer them honestly, I’d have to say “Yes” to 90% of them.  This was me!  I admit it!  I am standing up in the middle of my first Fools Anonymous Meeting and I am completing step one.  I admit I am a fool.  “Hi, my name is Roxana and I am a fool” I need a sponsor and when does twelve step starts?

I used to be the one that went on and on about any problem that was going on in my life.  But when there was something good happening, I hardly bring it up.  What happens is that when I do talk about the good things that are happening they didn’t get the attention that they drama received and so making me want to share the drama was more fulfilling.   Why do we do that?  Why do you think we as women do that?  Why is it that we feed off each other’s drama?   Why do we make it more than what it is?  For me, I think I must go back to my upbringing.  I hate to open Pandora’s box but it’s the only way to let you in to my world. 

My upbringing was surrounded by sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness and pretty much nothing good that I recall.  If my mother were reading this, she’d beg to differ!  She’d be insulted, she would then insult me and then she would beg to differ!  My mother and my brother must live in fantasy island.  I think they are completely oblivious to what went on around us and they were the primary victims to my father’s physical, verbal & mental abuse, but that’s a whole other post entirely.  Being that there was nothing good going on in our lives except for some isolated moments here and there, there was not much in this area to talk about or to write home about.  On the other hand, whenever there were cops at my house, or my dad had put my mom’s head through a wall or he threw my brother on top of a glass table and broke the table with my brother’s back, then there you go!  That was now something to talk about!  I had all the pity and attention in the world!  I almost sought it out because it was good warm soupy-homey attention and I loved it.  Imagine, I was 5 years old when this all started and it ended when I moved out of my home at the age of 19.  That’s 14 years of trying to get attention any way I could.  I craved the warm, fuzzy attention that I wasn’t getting at home and I would do anything to get it even if I had to embellish a little bit.  I think the good attention that I received from other people in my life due to everything that was going on bad in our home or in my life created this warm fuzzy feeling.  Whenever something went wrong or there was drama over at my house (police called, someone got beaten, mother’s head through a wall, etc.) then I would get good comfort food for the soul “attention” and that’s how it is to this day!  Wow, what an eye opener!  Step two of twelve done!

How has this affected my life?  Well, I talk to much!  I am an open book.  I have nothing to hide and I say It all and most of the time I say it to the wrong people.  In addition, I continue to talk about it until I have taken the living breath out of it like a boa constrictor takes the air/life out of its prey before it swallows it whole.  I feed it so much energy that it grows into a monster.  With, I feel as if too many people know too much about my life.  Sometimes I just want to pick up and disappear but the thing is that I’ll do it wherever I go, it’s just who I am.  It’ll follow me everywhere because that is me.  They know too much about a book that should’ve been part of a burning ritual long time ago.  There is no need to read this book and or talk about it.  What’s the point?  It’s old, it’s broken, it’s faded and irrelevant. Why talk about it?  But here’s the thing, I still do it to this day.  I know longer have “that” book the one that included stories of my upbringing.  That book is long gone and did end up in a burning ritual.  I’m talking about yesterday’s book, and this morning’s book and then one going on in my head right now.  Why do I continue to do it?

So, a few months ago I added the following statement to the “Reminder” app on my phone and it goes like this. “A FOOL VENTS ALL HER FEELINGS.  A WISE WOMAN HOLDS THEM BACK.”  Proverbs 29:11. Wow!  Is that shit really in the Bible?  Yes, I do use the word “shit” and other inappropriate words and yes, I am a Christian and I am in HIS Word every day.  I am human and I have a poddy mouth and HE loves me just the way I am.  GOD thought of everything didn’t he?  My goodness, I cannot believe that even venting is in the bible.  It never seizes to amaze me.  Well, back to the reminder.  It comes up on my phone every day at 6PM & it’s just a sweet reminder to zip it, shut my mouth.  It’s a reminder to me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.   That saying is paramount because it doesn’t speak about other people, it primarily speaks about you.  By me speaking, venting, sharing whatever you want to call it about my problems I am not “saying anything nice” on that note I shouldn’t say anything at all.  By venting & venting we are giving energy to the problem and by sharing it with other people, we are feeding it and making it grow.  By feeding it & feeding it this minute issue becomes an obese 600lb monster drama of a problem so big that it is now bed ridden and should be cut out and removed by the jaws of life.  By speaking about it, sharing it whatever we make it grow!  I realized that I had to stop that the hard way!

Today I am a different person but it is a work in progress.  Every time I am going to open my mouth, I really should stop and think and or analyze what I am about to say and who I am about to say it to.  I ask myself, why are you about to speak about this?  Is it relevant?  Is it going to help you in any way?  Is it something nice to say?  Why are you saying it?  Do you need some soup?  These questions hit me like a ton of bricks, sometimes a little too late because my mouth gets the best of me.  Like I said, it’s a work in progress but I have gotten so much better.  One of the best compliments I’ve received lately is “Rox, you don’t say, much do you? ” or ” Rox, you don’t have an opinion on this or that?”   I think it’s a combination of my prayers, bring it to GOD before you take it to anyone else.  Secondly my journaling, I wouldn’t know what to do without it and lastly my TM (transcendental meditation) has done wonders for me and the anxiety that I carry inside.   All of these ingredients are part of my day to day soup that is filling the void I felt 30 years ago.   Are you a fool?  I really want to know.

 

Be passionately grateful.

Make it a routine.  I wake up every day passionately grateful.  It’s gotten to a point in my life where I can’t move a step without doing so. I feel as if I am missing something if I don’t write down everything that I am grateful for from the moment I wake up in the morning.  You know that feeling you get when you’re missing something?   Well, that’s how I feel if I don’t express gratitude every day.  I feel as if I forgot something!  I am passionately grateful and it’s gotten me through the worst times of my life.

Acknowledge the negative, too. I am grateful for so many things but one of the biggest things that jumps out at me is when my husband got shot.   I remember thanking the “man” that shot him.  If I could see him in person, I would thank him for shooting my husband in the leg instead of in the chest or the head.  My husband is alive today.  He survived a shooting to the lower part of his leg.  He was shot with a double gauge shot gun that had approximately 500 pellets each.  His lower leg was literally blown apart and not one pellet hit his main artery.  He underwent countless hours of surgery and over 3 weeks in trauma.  Move forward 10 years, he’s still got pellets in his leg today.  Keyword “his leg” he still has a leg.  Some may hear that and say, “Is she crazy?” How could she thank the “man” that shot her husband?   Well, I did.  I don’t have any ill will towards him.   I am just grateful that my husband is alive and still has his leg.  My Father GOD will deal with said “man” in due time.   He is also a son of GOD and only they know what that “man” went through in his life that he felt the need to rob and then shoot my husband in the leg.  I feel for him.  I really do.   I realize that his is a little extreme but I just wanted to share where gratitude can take you and how it can change you.  I could’ve been bitter, sour, angry, vindictive but I wasn’t, I chose to be grateful!  Thank GOD that “shootings” don’t happen every day in our lives but there is still plenty to be grateful for.  On everyday gratitude…. my morning journaling starts something like this. 

 

Select a time to write every day – make it a habit.  Father GOD, Thank you!  Thank you for giving me life this morning.  Thank you for protecting my children, husband and myself.  Thank you for getting my husband up for work every morning at 5:30AM for the last 20+ years and for keeping him safe while at work.  Thank you Father for Blessing me much more than I deserve.  Thank you, Father, for this day, for giving me the opportunity to get up and to try to get it right again.   Thank you, Father, for the health that you have Blessed us with Father.  Thank you, Father, for the bed that I slept on, the pillows that I put my head on, the roof over my head, the food in the refrigerator, the car that I drive to work.  Thank you, Father, for protecting my children and for getting them home safely every day.  Thank you, Father for my Mother’s health.  Thank you, Father, for all the clients that continue to do business with us and Thank You Father for COFFEE.  Yes, I am sooooooooooooooo grateful for COFFEE!  Thank you, Father, for all the doors of opportunity that you have opened for us and continue to open for us.  Thank you, Father, for healing my husband and for restoring our marriage.   Father GOD Thank you for getting all those people out of our lives that weren’t loyal to us.  Thank you, Father, for getting all those people out of our lives that were envious and secretly wished us bad.  Thank you, Father, for removing them from our lives and in return for bringing us the peace that we needed.  Thank you, Father, for all our Blessings!  In your son Jesus Christ, I pray.  Amen.  There is so much more but this is just the main gist of it.

Gratitude in advance is the most powerful creative force in the Universe!  After I thank my heavenly Father for all my Blessings, I start thanking him for all the Blessings that are coming. Write in detail!   Father GOD, thank you, thank you that our home is selling for xxxx (not into full disclosure with the world just yet) by October 2017.  Father GOD thank you that Hilton Hotels hired us for the demo and trashouts of 650 units this month.   Father GOD Thank you for ABC Client that started sending us business today.  Father GOD thank you for my son’s promotion that is coming to him this December when he graduates with his MBA with a 50% raise.  Father GOD, thank you for Blessing us with your favor, with an abundance of  health, happiness, love, peace and prosperity.  Father GOD, thank you for continuing to get those people out of our lives that are not 100% loyal to us or those who secretly envy us or wish us bad.  Thank you for Father for our continued Health, Love, Happiness, Sex (The Lord our Father wants us to enjoy and love sex with our spouses) and Thank you, Father, for Prosperity.  In your loving and precious son Jesus I pray, Amen.

Lastly, gratitude can boost dopamine and serotonin, just like antidepressants.  Say “NO” to drugs and yes to “Gratitude”.

 

 

Winging it!

I am on my third day “blogging” and I feel as if I know less than I did when I first got started.  I feel so alone in this so-called Blogging world.  I wish I could snap my fingers and there be someone next to me that can just tell me what to do and how to do it but I have chosen to go about it the hard way.  I have chosen to do this on my own and figure it out (wing it) until I get it done.  This is how I have managed to get things done my entire life.  When I don’t know what I am doing, I dive in and I wing it.  I truly don’t believe this is the right way to go about it but it is my way. 

You see, whenever I am passionate about what I am doing, I dive in head first.  Nine out of Ten times it has worked out for me.  I’m not saying it has been easy but it has been worth it.    I’ve put myself through the School of Hard Knocks and I graduated “summa cum laude”.  Today I feel as if I walked back in to a class where the professor speaks Chinese and I speak Sign Language.  We’re on complete opposites of the spectrum

Just to give you a little history, my husband and I have been in the property management, preservation & maintenance industry since the 90’s.  Our first company incorporated in 1999 and successfully sold in 2006 and our current company opened in 2006 and is still chugging along today.  My husband and I like to call it, The Little Red Engine That Could. 


Speaking about the Little Red Engine that could, back in 2006, I got a call from a new and prospective client.  She wanted to know If I can handle the work load that she was about to send me.  Knowing the business, the way I do, I knew there was no way that we could physically handle the work she was going to send me but back then I would get calls like hers every day and none of them would pan out so I said Yes.   I winged it!  Move forward 6 years and as of 2012 this client had given me over ten million dollars’ worth of work & best of all they are one of our dearest friends today.  We’ve vacationed together several times and we visit each other’s homes every year.  What an amazing connection!

In 2013, I get connected with a large asset management company.  I’ll never forget that day, I was at a tile store picking tile for my daughter’s bathroom and I get the call.  The client we’ll call her “E” is going on and on about the scope of work that is required for all 2500 properties in their portfolio and I am politely listening to everything she is telling me knowing deep inside that we’ve never done this type of work before & I had no idea how we were going to manage this.  Nonetheless, I said “Yes, no problem, send them to me and we’ll get them done for you!”  I winged it!  This call lead to over three million dollars’ worth of work in a year and half.

In 2015, I get a call from one of the branch managers from the above company that had left said company and started working with another asset management firm.  He called me up one day and said “Hey, remember me? ” I knew this was going to be a good one.  His new position managing 200 assets and several Section 8 Housing buildings lead to another two million dollars’ worth of business.  I had never worked on Section 8 Housing before and learned so much from this new venture.  I winged it!

“Winging it” has worked out for me with flying colors but it hasn’t been easy.  It was the will, hard work ethics and most importantly the passion behind it that lead me to where I am today.  So here I am “winging it” this time with a venture that is completely out of my realm in the hopes that it inspires you to “wing it”.   Do it with passion or not at all!

 

 

I must confess, I am terrified!

As passionate as I am about writing, I must confess, I am terrified.  You see, the ten thousand or more pages that I have written in the past ten years are set in “private mode” meaning they are safely stored in the nightstand next to my bed.  There is nothing scary about opening up a book, turning to the next blank page, grabbing my favorite sharpie pen and start writing.  I write and write and write sometimes hours on end without fear of anything.  I’ll give you an example of something I am doing right this minute.  I have re-read this paragraph at least seven times and I’ll probably read it another dozen times before I even post it.  Why am I doing that?   When I write in my journals, I hardly EVER read over something I wrote.  Spelling, grammar…. there is no spell check.  I just open my book, grab my pen and off I go.  It’s almost as if my hand is on autopilot.  I don’t ever backspace or delete what I wrote.  The most I will do is scratch off a word or two here or there.  Ok now it’s been nine times I’ve read this paragraph over.  At the end of the day, who cares, nobody sees it but me.  10 Times…. Why am I terrified?  I don’t know what I am doing.  This is crazy.  11 Times.  There are so many uncertainties when you make a decision to put it all out there.  In addition to putting it all out there, I have no idea how to set up a website, how to run a blog…. GOD knows I can go on and on.  One thing I do know is that I am passionate about this, what I’m doing right now.  I am passionate about writing!  12 Times…. I’m done.