Are you a FOOL?

Are you a fool? Do you vent all your feelings?  Do you let it all out like a gallon of sour milk being poured down the drain way past its due date?  Do you talk and talk carelessly sharing your problems?  Do you talk more about your problems than the things that are going right in your life?  Do you share more than you should and with all the wrong people?   Do you go on and on about the “problem” or the “issue” without any other reason than to hear yourself talk?  Do you crave the attention you receive when you talk about issues?  Do you dwell on drama or feed off it?  These are all relevant questions we all need to ask ourselves to get to an answer.  If I were to break it down question by question and answer them honestly, I’d have to say “Yes” to 90% of them.  This was me!  I admit it!  I am standing up in the middle of my first Fools Anonymous Meeting and I am completing step one.  I admit I am a fool.  “Hi, my name is Roxana and I am a fool” I need a sponsor and when does twelve step starts?

I used to be the one that went on and on about any problem that was going on in my life.  But when there was something good happening, I hardly bring it up.  What happens is that when I do talk about the good things that are happening they didn’t get the attention that they drama received and so making me want to share the drama was more fulfilling.   Why do we do that?  Why do you think we as women do that?  Why is it that we feed off each other’s drama?   Why do we make it more than what it is?  For me, I think I must go back to my upbringing.  I hate to open Pandora’s box but it’s the only way to let you in to my world. 

My upbringing was surrounded by sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness and pretty much nothing good that I recall.  If my mother were reading this, she’d beg to differ!  She’d be insulted, she would then insult me and then she would beg to differ!  My mother and my brother must live in fantasy island.  I think they are completely oblivious to what went on around us and they were the primary victims to my father’s physical, verbal & mental abuse, but that’s a whole other post entirely.  Being that there was nothing good going on in our lives except for some isolated moments here and there, there was not much in this area to talk about or to write home about.  On the other hand, whenever there were cops at my house, or my dad had put my mom’s head through a wall or he threw my brother on top of a glass table and broke the table with my brother’s back, then there you go!  That was now something to talk about!  I had all the pity and attention in the world!  I almost sought it out because it was good warm soupy-homey attention and I loved it.  Imagine, I was 5 years old when this all started and it ended when I moved out of my home at the age of 19.  That’s 14 years of trying to get attention any way I could.  I craved the warm, fuzzy attention that I wasn’t getting at home and I would do anything to get it even if I had to embellish a little bit.  I think the good attention that I received from other people in my life due to everything that was going on bad in our home or in my life created this warm fuzzy feeling.  Whenever something went wrong or there was drama over at my house (police called, someone got beaten, mother’s head through a wall, etc.) then I would get good comfort food for the soul “attention” and that’s how it is to this day!  Wow, what an eye opener!  Step two of twelve done!

How has this affected my life?  Well, I talk to much!  I am an open book.  I have nothing to hide and I say It all and most of the time I say it to the wrong people.  In addition, I continue to talk about it until I have taken the living breath out of it like a boa constrictor takes the air/life out of its prey before it swallows it whole.  I feed it so much energy that it grows into a monster.  With, I feel as if too many people know too much about my life.  Sometimes I just want to pick up and disappear but the thing is that I’ll do it wherever I go, it’s just who I am.  It’ll follow me everywhere because that is me.  They know too much about a book that should’ve been part of a burning ritual long time ago.  There is no need to read this book and or talk about it.  What’s the point?  It’s old, it’s broken, it’s faded and irrelevant. Why talk about it?  But here’s the thing, I still do it to this day.  I know longer have “that” book the one that included stories of my upbringing.  That book is long gone and did end up in a burning ritual.  I’m talking about yesterday’s book, and this morning’s book and then one going on in my head right now.  Why do I continue to do it?

So, a few months ago I added the following statement to the “Reminder” app on my phone and it goes like this. “A FOOL VENTS ALL HER FEELINGS.  A WISE WOMAN HOLDS THEM BACK.”  Proverbs 29:11. Wow!  Is that shit really in the Bible?  Yes, I do use the word “shit” and other inappropriate words and yes, I am a Christian and I am in HIS Word every day.  I am human and I have a poddy mouth and HE loves me just the way I am.  GOD thought of everything didn’t he?  My goodness, I cannot believe that even venting is in the bible.  It never seizes to amaze me.  Well, back to the reminder.  It comes up on my phone every day at 6PM & it’s just a sweet reminder to zip it, shut my mouth.  It’s a reminder to me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.   That saying is paramount because it doesn’t speak about other people, it primarily speaks about you.  By me speaking, venting, sharing whatever you want to call it about my problems I am not “saying anything nice” on that note I shouldn’t say anything at all.  By venting & venting we are giving energy to the problem and by sharing it with other people, we are feeding it and making it grow.  By feeding it & feeding it this minute issue becomes an obese 600lb monster drama of a problem so big that it is now bed ridden and should be cut out and removed by the jaws of life.  By speaking about it, sharing it whatever we make it grow!  I realized that I had to stop that the hard way!

Today I am a different person but it is a work in progress.  Every time I am going to open my mouth, I really should stop and think and or analyze what I am about to say and who I am about to say it to.  I ask myself, why are you about to speak about this?  Is it relevant?  Is it going to help you in any way?  Is it something nice to say?  Why are you saying it?  Do you need some soup?  These questions hit me like a ton of bricks, sometimes a little too late because my mouth gets the best of me.  Like I said, it’s a work in progress but I have gotten so much better.  One of the best compliments I’ve received lately is “Rox, you don’t say, much do you? ” or ” Rox, you don’t have an opinion on this or that?”   I think it’s a combination of my prayers, bring it to GOD before you take it to anyone else.  Secondly my journaling, I wouldn’t know what to do without it and lastly my TM (transcendental meditation) has done wonders for me and the anxiety that I carry inside.   All of these ingredients are part of my day to day soup that is filling the void I felt 30 years ago.   Are you a fool?  I really want to know.

 

I must confess, I am terrified!

As passionate as I am about writing, I must confess, I am terrified.  You see, the ten thousand or more pages that I have written in the past ten years are set in “private mode” meaning they are safely stored in the nightstand next to my bed.  There is nothing scary about opening up a book, turning to the next blank page, grabbing my favorite sharpie pen and start writing.  I write and write and write sometimes hours on end without fear of anything.  I’ll give you an example of something I am doing right this minute.  I have re-read this paragraph at least seven times and I’ll probably read it another dozen times before I even post it.  Why am I doing that?   When I write in my journals, I hardly EVER read over something I wrote.  Spelling, grammar…. there is no spell check.  I just open my book, grab my pen and off I go.  It’s almost as if my hand is on autopilot.  I don’t ever backspace or delete what I wrote.  The most I will do is scratch off a word or two here or there.  Ok now it’s been nine times I’ve read this paragraph over.  At the end of the day, who cares, nobody sees it but me.  10 Times…. Why am I terrified?  I don’t know what I am doing.  This is crazy.  11 Times.  There are so many uncertainties when you make a decision to put it all out there.  In addition to putting it all out there, I have no idea how to set up a website, how to run a blog…. GOD knows I can go on and on.  One thing I do know is that I am passionate about this, what I’m doing right now.  I am passionate about writing!  12 Times…. I’m done.